Thursday, April 26, 2007

Avoiding and embracing



This morning's Sounds Like Canada Thursday Think Tank had a discussion about work/life balance, about busyness being an excuse to escape from meaningful interaction with other human beings, and about the rudeness of people using their Blackberry's at a dinner party.

On that note, Olive and I are heading off for two weeks of computer free time with family. I'm hoping that we'll come back well rested, well read (somebody bought somebody the brand new Michael Ondaatje novel!), and ready to start fresh.

Yeehaw.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Rocky Mountain High



I am so excited about our upcoming trip to the rockies. As a child we often made the long, long drive from Calgary to Vernon, from Calgary to Kamloops, or from Calgary to Mable Lake, all along the Trans-Canada through the rockies. I used to sit in the backseat of our old brown truck, gazing out at the mountains for hours, imagining that hobbits and elves lived amongst the sunlit peaks and valleys that it seemed impossible to reach. I made up stories, we played games, fought, and sang along to Kenny Rogers. Yah baby, sweet, sweet Kenny.
Last month the Tapestry did a show on "soul music", music that made your heart and soul thrill or weep or just feel intensely. It made me think of all the music that moves me, and how it changes as my life changes. I also thought of my last trip through the rockies with my mum to go and fetch my niece Kaitlyn in Red Deer. Mum and I were driving down the highway listening to Sarah Harmer's album "You Were Here" and I was so filled with joy, with contentment, surrounded by this overpowering beauty of forests, mountains, water, by intensely sweet music, and sitting by the side of my mum.
I am hoping that Friday will be equally sweet. That Olive will be content and sleepy. And that we can play some fabulous music as the soundtrack to our goreous country going by.

Some music that's stirring my soul:
"One Heart" - Rory McLeod
"Lodestar" - Sarah Harmer
"I Am Aglow" - Sarah Harmer
"Sweet Thing" - Van Morrison
"Private Universe" - Crowded House
"Connected" - Eric Bibb
"Cucurrucucu Paloma" - Caetano Veloso
Anything off of Joni Mitchell's Blue album
"Coo Coo Bird" - The Be Good Tanyas

Monday, April 23, 2007

Status quo

Here's our current status:

Mummy & Daddy have some kind of stomach bug.

Olive may or may not develop roseola towards the end of the week (her buddy Leni is sick with it right now!).

Olive & I are going away for 2 weeks starting at the end of the week.



We are driving 4 hours on Thursday night, then 6.5 on Friday to reach our destination in the rockies.

This trip is supposed to be a relaxing girlie time with Nanny, Auntie Chris & cousin Gloria. Instead it may be a barf & fever festival of sick baby in a car for many, many kilometres. Oh sweet mother of God, please let her be resistant to all of these nasty bugs.

I have to pack everything (giant, huge list of stuff), get a haircut, & go to the library.

I received 7 skeins of hand-dyed cashmere for my next project. It is divine.

I love Michael Ondaatje. His new novel Divisadero is out. His poetry, his novels. He is exquisite. I can't wait to read it.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Oi.

Can you say food poisoning/stomach flu?

Oi.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Getting out of the way

Hilarious? Yes. Offensive to some? Maybe. Olive's future? You betcha.

Trying to get a photo of the monkey's top teeth. Sooooo cute.

The sleeping thing is going one million billion times better than I ever could have hoped for (knocking on the wood). Maybe I will get 5 hours in a row very soon. My sweet babe, she was ready. Now I just have to get over my wee lingering sadness about saying goodbye to cosleeping. Although I've made Doug promise that she can always come and sleep with us if she wants to. But for now she doesn't seem to care at all, and in fact is sleeping much better without mummy's hulking, milk tinged form waking her up all of the time.

So there you go. Life keeps on surprising me.

Monday, April 16, 2007

One life



Mental health is a tough thing. Are people sicker these days than they used to be or is it just that we're more aware?

I think that we're all feeling a bit worse. We're isolated from nature and from each other. And when we try to communicate it's often using technology instead of sitting face to face, where we can read each others bodies as well as hear our words.

I'm miscommunicating with people these days. I'm making people cry. I'm crying a lot. This is a hard time for me. Harder than anything I've ever experienced. And when I have perspective I know that my life is grand, it's beautiful. My healthy, thriving babe, my supportive, kind and infinitely loving husband (not possible? yes, it is). I don't have cancer. My baby isn't dying from a horrific genetic disease (knock, knock, knock on wood). I have two loving parents and a great circle of friends and family. But this sleep thing in conjunction with mental health issues that I have never really dealt with almost has me beat. I am struggling. Not all of the time, but for moments, minutes, hours every day I feel like there is no way out, no way to get better. I know that there is. I know this. But sometimes it is so hard - and this isn't because I'm lazy or ungrateful or weak. I need to get through this getting Olive to sleep better thing, get myself some sleep, and then I need to make a real committment to my mental health. Because I love my husband, and I love my Olive, and I need to really love me so that we can all truly experience, relish, cherish this life together. Because this is all there is. Just this one life.

June Callwood died on Saturday (watch this link - please do). I wish that I had known her. Ah, the wisdom. We can only hope.

Friday, April 13, 2007

What's good


Check out Olive's bonnet! Bonnet's rule!

Other good things today:
- Olive had 2 decent naps
- Doug brought me gifts of Purdy's & vino (ah, he knows me so well)
- Olive got checked up at the doc & something I was worried about is a-okay
- I have time to make us up a batch of our favourite granola from the best cookbook of all time
- I finally rented the electric breastpump from the hospital so that we can have a supply of milk on hand so I can
- Go out tonight for an evening of vino & clothes swapping with my Mother's Unfolding group
- We are doing our research into changing Olive's sleep routine in a gentle, loving way
- My best friend & her sweet daughter are coming home on Monday. Hooray! We miss you Yaun!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Runaway

We ran away this weekend. On the spur of the moment I lost it and decided that I needed my mama, so we loaded the monkey into the car and drove up to K-town. And I almost fell asleep driving. Can I say that passing semis doing 120 on a highway without lines while fighting sleep with my precious baby and husband in the back seat FREAKED ME OUT?

Then Doug and my mum staged a sleep intervention. Like for an alcoholic or addict, but instead for me, a sleep deprived mummy who believes that the only way to be a good mama is to gut oneself to the point of complete physical and emotional destruction. Let's just say that there was weeping and angst and little bit of tough love, but I'm feeling better and ready to commit to change.

So, we're going to teach Olive how to put herself back to sleep. We're not going to make her cry it out, but there will probably be some tears on both our parts (while being cuddled, loved and patted). And we'll have to stop most of our co-sleeping. And I'll have to give up all of that precious cuddly baby time (but hey, we'll do more during the day!). I feel like my brain and body are dying. Hopefully, I'll get some sleep soon, because I'm worth it.

For now she is getting her two top teeth, so I'm still on constant boob patrol and so tired, so very very tired, that I can't manage to do much of anything beyond cuddling my baby or trolling the internet. Thank God for husbands who cook and clean.

Off to lie down with a cup of sleepy tea. I'll post photos again one day.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Thanks

I just wanted to say thank you to the folks (all four of you!) who post comments, especially the ones about my good mother post. I think that I was a little freaked out when I first realized that people were actually reading this. Even people I don't know. And people I do know. Maybe even my family sometimes. I know, I know, it's a blog, it's out there for planetary consumption.

And I had to ask myself, why am I writing this? And the answer is, it helps me. It helps me think about this journey that I'm on and to gain some perspective, and it's putting me in touch with some of my creative juices again. And it brings me pleasure. So if somebody wants to read what often amounts to a list of complaints, then hey, thanks everybody. I really appreciate it.
It's also helping me recognize the difference between my fantasy of life (super crafty mummy, getting everything done around the house, crafting, and nourishing Olive on every level, yet still the sassy bitch who's good-time-fun) and reality. Which isn't that. So, letting go of expectations, yada yada yada. We're talkin' 'bout a revolution gang.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Sweet sweet solitude

Olive is now beginning the evening in her own room on her special futon. And for the first time in 8.5 months I can read a book and drink a cup of tea whilst lying in bed.

Ecstasy.

Now I need some trashier novels, a big chocolate stash and a baby who sleeps 5 hours in a row, and I'll be set.

Olive's first day of school. We visited her daddy's class today, and Olive's wee eyes bugged out of her head. She really enjoys a room full of 11 year olds.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Funny


Okay, so we're nursing to sleep at naptime and Olive is nodding off, eyes rolled back in her head, well on her way to dream land, when boom! she pikes, pulls off the boob while sucking in a rattling Vader breath, which she then expels with an "eye-yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" topped with a giant raspberry, a grin, and a return to the boob.

I tell you, this kid, she is funny.

My yarn is ready! My yarn is ready! Picture tap dancing mice traipsing across my heart. Yee. haw.

This is what I call funny, yo. In a grown up way.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Recipe for unyummy mummy

Separation Anxiety + Sleep Reversion + Nap Avoidance + Ability to Whine Without Cessation for Long Periods of Time - Mummy Getting Sleep = Frozen Pizza, Carrot Sticks & Beer for Supper.

I. feel. like. death. Why can't she be a sleeper? And now I have sleep anxiety. Oh, if only I could drink myself into stupor, then sleep for 20 hours straight.

I told Doug that I was going to run away from home for the weekend and check into a hotel where I would sleep and sleep. His response? "Just leave some milk." What a guy. He'd really do it too. Gotta love him.