Today was a day of struggle.
Olive has been whiny for a good 36 hours. Which seems like nothing, but added to 2 weeks of a cold, plus my own cold, and a dash of middle of the night 'can't go back to sleep because I can't nurse because my nose is stuffed so I will whine and cry and thrash in mummy's ear' in addition to a generous dollop of 8 whole months of chronic sleep deprivation equals one mama who loses it.
I have not been taking care of myself. I have been getting caught up in my ideas of what a 'good' mother is. A good mother stays with her baby when they're sick. They nurse on demand. They nurse through the night. They make organic baby food from scratch. They stimulate with books, songs, rhymes, and natural toys. They carry their babies and feel guilty when they use the stroller. They always know what's wrong and how to fix it. They don't need breaks. They don't let their babies cry for any length of time. Ever. They don't give their babies ibuprofen for their teething pain. They don't yell fuck. They don't feel hate. They don't want to just be left the fuck alone for just a little while. And if they do need a break, need some sleep, need to go and talk with someone else about something else PLEASE, they are shitty, uncaring, selfish women whose children will hate them later.
And so I've hit a wall. I am tired of being jealous of other mums who find time for themselves. I'm tired of whispering evil shit about them because I don't do that for myself.
I need to exercise. I need some evenings off. I need a bit more sleep. I need some space to be alone in my body and my mind. I need to give myself a break and acknowledge that I am a good mum. I am a good mum.
I've always felt like I wasn't really good at anything. "Jack of all trades, master of none" (as my friend Dana says). Even getting a Master's degree in librarianship felt the same - I always thought 'this is an easy Master's' or 'I'm not as smart as my fellow students', and in the end, librarians are the quintessential Jack of all trades. And I was never a gifted actor, never a great artist, no great passion for anything really. I'm not as nice as Doug. I have a big mouth and a bad temper.
And so, I've always wanted to be a mum. I've always loved kids and babies, and as an adult I developed this fixation on becoming a mother. I was crazy with unfounded paranoia about not being able to get pregnant, and worried the whole way through my pregnancy that something bad would happen to the baby.
And then Olive showed up, healthy and beautiful and so, so, so much harder than I had ever guessed. I. had. no. idea. How could I?
And I have been putting pressure on myself to be this 'good' mother ever since. I'm depressed. I have problems with anxiety. And I'm a really good mum. Who needs to take a step back. Who needs to let go. Who needs to rely upon others a bit more.
So, here we go.
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5 comments:
Being a mom or dad, is the hardest job ever! You have no idea what you are getting into, you try to anticipate what life will be like, but God help us, it never goes as planned. DON'T be so hard on yourself. You are a good mom! And, by the way, your baby is beautiful. Try to take some time for YOU, even if it's only a couple of hours.
It's about time we as mothers recognised how hard it is to do the job we do. Our quest for perfection drives us to insanity. Who ever thought one person should stay at home all the time and just look after their kids must be nuts! I always say I could never raise my kids all by myself and I'll take all the help I can get. Go out, have a drink, buy yourself something, eat somethig nice and give yourself a big pat on the back for all the wonderful things you have done for your daughter already. We mums need to stick together and offer each other support. Hope you are feeling better soon.
Kristy, listen...You are great. You are an excellent friend, a wonderful librarian and an amazing mom. As someone who routinely gives herself a hard time about pretty much everything let me tell you: you're awesome!
And there's nothing wrong with being a jack of all trades. Personally, I would find myself bored if I only knew a lot about doing one thing. It's much more fun to know about and do a bunch of different things. What is excellence anyways? And who decides?
Hang in there, honey!
I found the comment tag! Love you Kristy!
Dana.
Hi again: You've already figured this stuff out first hand...but this book looks good:
The mommy myth : the idealization of motherhood and how it has undermined women / Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. Michaels.
Review of book from Publisher Weekly...
In the idealized myth, mothers and babies spend their days discovering the wonders of life, reading, playing and laughing. Mom wears her baby in a sling, never raises her voice and of course has unlimited time and patience. Baby grows up safe, happy and respectful. In real life, however, it's a different story. Douglas (Where the Girls Are) and Smith College philosophy professor Michaels, "mothers with an attitude problem," blow the lid off "new momism," "a set of ideals... that seem on the surface to celebrate motherhood, but which in reality promulgate standards of perfection that are beyond [a mother's] reach." The authors examine the past 30 years of television, radio, movies, magazines and advertising to show that the bar has been increasingly raised for "the standards of good motherhood while singling out and condemning those we were supposed to see as dreadful mothers" (notably harried working mothers). Using ample humor (e.g., buy the wrong toys and your child will "end up a semiliterate counter girl in Dunkin' Donuts for life"), abundant examples and an approachable style, Douglas and Michaels incriminate not just Republican administrations and Dr. Laura, but also celebrity mothers, Drs. Spock and the evening news. While the authors are occasionally repetitive and sometimes condescend to moms who stay at home, their thought-provoking, accessible foray critiquing new momism will be of interest to liberal mothers—and possibly fathers—helping them to judge the media's images of motherhood with a more critical eye. (Feb. 9)
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