Warning, warning: this post contains more than its fair share of the F-bomb.
Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
It's a cranky morning.
Olive doesn't sleep anymore. Whatever happened, whatever changed, I'm sure that it's my fault. Because mother is the root, the cause of all problems, n'est-ce pas? I can cure all, I can screw it all up.
I now recall why I don't enjoy co-sleeping. If I move, she wakes up. If I don't move, I wake up exhausted, cranky and cramped. But if we don't co-sleep I'm busting my ass down the hall every hour or so to nurse the little bugger. The little bugger whom I love very, very much.
On one side I have the "let her cry, the only way she'll learn how to sleep is to cry", the "close down the all night boob buffet" brigade, on the other side I have the "if you let her cry she'll only sleep worse, and she'll be fucked up beyond all recall, hate you as a teenager and start snorting cocaine at twelve". YEEfuckin'HAW gang. Catch-22 up the wazoo.
I'm tired of being the endlessly sacrificing mother. I'm tired of being so goddamn tired. The only way I'm making it through the days these days is to remain perpetually jacked up on coffee, which in turn makes it almost impossible for me to unwind enough at night to go to sleep. I'm tired of giving, giving, giving, all night long. I'm tired of being so freaking sensitive to her every whimper. I'm tired of having no energy for anyone other than Olive, including myself. I want to go out occasionally without feeling guilty. I want to feel physically well. The situation is totally, completely out of control. And somebody (somebody pretty damn cute) has figured out exactly which frequency of whine-cry to make to get mama to plug up that gawd awful noise with her boob. And now I'm scared of trying to do the nightweaning (the totally sensitive, loving, daddy-by-your-side-all-night-long nightweaning. Not the alone-in-the-crib-in-the-dark-screaming-until-you-barf nightweaning) because ONE PERSON I know said that her daughter slept worse after trying it.
What. the. fuck.
So, Olive, my love. My sweet, sweet baby. We're going to have a rough end of June so that mama doesn't lose her marbles completely.
In the meantime, it's a beautiful day, the big D. is skipping work (yay!) and we're going to the park for a sushi picnic. And tonight, mama is going out for some cocktails.
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2 comments:
Oh Mama! I don't have a baby, so you can ignore this advice. But, as your friend, here is my suggestion...
Set a time limit. Let Olive cry for 5 minutes and then go to her. Slowly increase to 10 minutes, then to 15 and so on. With any luck both of you will get used to that little bit of time apart---she'll simmer down to sleep and you'll learn to adjust to not running to her immediately (or whatever). Of course, if it sounds like she's in pain or something you go to her---but if it sounds like she's got a case of the cranks give her a couple of minutes and see what's up.
If this works please let me know because I could use the extra cash to pay for grad school and maybe I could make a DVD or book or something. Then I'll buy us both cocktails!
I haven't forgotten about our tentative date. I wanna see you and the babe...I'd also like to steal you away, ply you with alcohol and giggle about goofy library things!
Oh sweet mama. I have so been there! HOnestly I have. I had to hold my girl for every one of her naps until she was 1 1/2 years old. My gal did barf if we tried to let her cry and it killed me.
I guess you just have to keep trying things until something works for you. You know your babe best. Maybe try being very active in the day and slow things down dramatically at night. Night weaning was rough, but you will survive. She is growing and getting older every day. Good luck on whatever you do!
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