Pathways

I feel like I only really write blog posts when I'm upset. When I need to expunge some poison, frustration, anger, disapointment, and almost never when I'm happy. Because when I'm happy, I'm too busy being happy to sit in front of the computer and write.

I've always had a tendancy to dwell on the negative, to catastrophize - there is a report card of mine from about the age of 9 wherein my teacher remarks upon my morbid nature. I am generally riddled with anxiety, worry and am sensitive in the extreme. I am intense and ever so slightly crazy.

Two things I'm in the process of learning right now are a) to relax, let go, surrender and to b) state things in the positive, even if I don't feel positive. This weekend (while washing the floor) I listened to Michael Enright's interview with Allen Shawn about his new book Wish I Could Be There: Notes on a Phobic Life and Shawn made this very simple statement about how dealing with his phobias was just a simple matter of creating new pathways in his brain. And I got to thinking about how simple it really is - my reactions to things, my persistent negative thinking are all just a result of the pathways between the synapses in my brain. Olive's dependance on nursing for sleep is also just because that is the pathway in her brain. And so for us to change things for the better all we need to do is gently and consistently create new pathways - when I catch myself thinking or speaking negatively I need to pause and rephrase in a positive manner. When putting Olive to sleep we need to gently introduce new ways for her nod off, and eventually they will become the default.

I went to yoga class yesterday and afterwards as I was driving to pick up Olive I was thinking about control and my obsessive need for it - I am constantly tracking how much she eats, when she nurses, how long she sleeps, how often she poops. It's crazy. And I can't control any of it. And I shouldn't, it's not my job, it's only suffocating.

I have to let go. When she won't sleep, she can get up. When I am frustrated I have to walk away and take a break. If she is in the care of a responsible, loving adult, I don't need to know the details of what took place while I was gone.

So, letting go, surrender, positive thinking, new neural pathways. Good luck? I can do it.