ChickenBaby

Reboot

2008-06-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'd really thought I'd decided to stop blogging. For so many reasons, the largest of which was that I felt like what I was putting out there was pure negativity. But I've thought about it & decided that what I love the most about the blogs that I read are the honesty I encounter there. And truly, no one reads this, so my motivation now is for this space to be here for me. To think. To process. To remind myself.

So here I go again. I've got to work things out, and part of the way to do that is here. I think. And if that isn't true I can always stop again.

Tough

2008-01-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

Oy. Well, I feel like it's been a bit of a brutal year & I'm glad to see its backside. All of the Olive goodness has been divine, but there have been many, many challenges. In many ways I thought that this past year was going to break us, but here we are, battered & hopefully ready to make 2008 something better.

Big changes coming down the pipe:
- we're moving. It's a mixed move. It's a step in the right direction but not a final resting place. Mind you, who ever knows if where they're moving to is going to be their last home. I've always had this fantasy/picture in my mind of my adult home - it features lots of old hardwood, natural light, a fireplace, a big kitchen, a porch & a yard with room for a garden. And this dream is kind of making my reality a disappointment. Making me never satisfied with the here & now. Which is so true of so much of my life. Always looking for what is wrong, what isn't perfect, seldom appreciating what is truly great about right now.

So the other big change is me making a very significant effort to change my perspective on things. Because I can decide how I'm going to react to things, how to perceive what is happening around me. And I'm going to do my darndest to stay open & stop shutting down ideas just because they scare me.

Olive is as ever a hilarious monkey. She started hitting this week. We've got to nip that in the bud. She is wildly in love with Etta. She's started calling Doug & I "Mamadaddy" instead of "mama" & "daddy". Because we're one unit. She likes it when we hug. She says "nice". She doesn't want to go to sleep at night. She's probably not getting enough fresh air because the weather has been pure misery - sleet anyone? You just can't take a kid to the park in the sleet. She was really sick this month & it freaked us out. Her hair is so long we can make pony tails. She wants to put her own socks on. She says "oraninge" & "noyse" & sqrinches up her face all funny. She would only eat cookies & crackers if we let her. She yells "juice!" all of the time even though she's only had it watered down about two times. She rocks her baby dolls violently then lets them have a nurse on mama. She calls milk "some".

We're all just doing the best we can.

2007-12-04T13:50:00.001-08:00

I feel like I'm spending a lot of my days just struggling. I get so cranky when the girls won't eat their lunch - all they want is fruit & starch. Then they won't nap. And I have two sleep deprived toddlers careening around the house demanding books read, destroying the living room & dancing on the coffee table. Then I feel guilty because I should be playing with them more, but I'm so freaking tired that I just can't be on all the time. I need breaks and the only time I get to myself is when I ignore them for a few minutes or after Olive's in bed, the dishes are done and the diapers are in the wash. 9pm.

I'm also feeling bad about my body. Before Olive I was a big yoga/gym gal. I walked & cycled everywhere. I exercised regularly to keep my anxiety in check. Now I'm lucky if I get one visit to the gym in a week - I know that it shouldn't matter, that I should love my body for doing all that it does, but I just feel fat, lazy, neglected, anxious. I have no time to feed my brain or body. And I get so caught up in the negative, the critical, the judging, the hopeless that I can't manage to pull my head out of my butt and just embrace how amazing my life truly is.

Right now Etta is practicing her running in the hallway - today is the first day that she's really been running full tilt & her little face is lit up. What an amazing thing, to run!

5 Random Things

2007-11-29T22:02:00.000-08:00

I've been reading various 5 Random Things posts this week & decided to do it too, without an invite. Because I'm cool like that.

- I really like the smell of the crook of my arm when it doesn't smell like soap or lotion. Like it smells after you haven't had a shower for a couple of days - like the real you.

- When I was a kid I used to count my breaths. They had to be multiples of eight or divisible by two or four but they couldn't be six or that would be bad luck. For real. Intense.

- I really like to be alone in public places sometimes. I love going to the movies or the theatre or out for lunch by myself. Then you never have to discuss what you just saw/ate/experienced - you can just absorb it into yourself.

- I LOVE the Muppet Show. It is burned into my brain. Especially the one with the ghost of the theatre.

- My favourite place on earth is the porch of my grandparents cabin looking out on the lake with a book in my lap. Or laying with Olive all curled into each other nursing.

What saves me

2007-11-26T20:15:00.000-08:00

Really, the only thing getting me through these days is chocolate & alcohol. And knitting. And Olive's propensity to dish out a large number of kisses. Without these things, we'd all be dead.

Free! Hat! Pattern!

2007-11-20T14:36:00.001-08:00

Here's the new hat pattern I designed. With lace panels. On 2.75mm needles. I almost poked my eyes out - knitting math is so hard.

Thinking about gifts & consumerism & meaning

2007-11-19T11:57:00.000-08:00

I spent a great deal of time this week obsessing over whether we should try & buy Olive this barn for Christmas/Solstice. Which is crazy. It's $270 & she's only 16 months old. But it is SO beautiful & I love the ideas behind Waldorf toys.

So I had to sit back & really think about my motivations for buying. About toys & what I think about marketing to children. About what Olive would really enjoy. About my desire to give her things that will spur on her imagination & not just crap that only remains entertaining for a short period of time.

Last night I reread a couple of really great blog posts on toys & came up with some ideas for Olive & my niece Kaitlyn.

Olive loves doing up buckles & zippers. I have a book on sewing kids toys from about 1972 that features a house-boot that I can attach zippers, buckles & buttons to for Olive to play with. And I can make some little felt figures to go inside (like an old woman & her children?). I also received this amazing book for my birthday along with some cashmere (!!!) to knit the creatures out of. I'm planning on making the hen & chicks, along with some eggs & a nest. I was also thinking that a chalk board & some chalk for drawing would be fun, plus a couple of books of course. That should be good for gifts for the wee girlie.

My niece is 6, & is one of those kids whose room is jammed with 50 billion pieces of plastic. Literally. For her I'm going to pick up some early chapter books from the VPL booksale (Frog & Toad, some Doctor Seuss, Amelia Bedelia, good stuff). I'm also going to put together a finger puppet kit with felt, embroidery floss, & needles, & a kit to make clothespin dolls. Clothespin dolls kick Pollypocket's ass.

Toys. Knitting. Must. post. pictures.

Oy! Another amazing birthday present was 4 hours of housecleaning from a friend's lovely housecleaner. This afternoon Shawnee is going to scrub my floors, my tile, my grout. And Olive's going to go play with Etta. And I'm going to the gym! Woohoo!

Time

2007-11-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

It was a gorgeous day today. I tried to close my eyes for a moment & just feel the sun on my face & feel that cool autumn air as I pushed the girls along through the cemetary. We had a good hard laugh on the swings. It's so easy to be frustrated with these wee ones, when really so much of our time together is such a huge gift. Olive tried to say "love" last night. Etta calls Olive "Ah-ah".

I'm having a hard time just being in the moment these days. I feel like I have so incredibly little time to myself that even when things are lovely my mind is racing on to the list of things that needs to be done or the many things I can fret over. It is a challenging time. It is busy. There are big life decisions to be made, but sometimes I feel like we are forgetting that the life we have now is it. This is the future. I don't know. It's tough.

Other things:

Joined ravelry. One more online addiction. Uh-oh.

Love this idea for a tradition. I'd like to start some things around here for our family. This Christmas/Solstice will be my first chance to begin some things.

Saw Across the Universe. It was fabulous. The music, the writing, the acting, the cinematography. I cried. It was lovely, lovely, lovely. Loved it. And Doug & I got to see it together. Extra lovely.

Finished a scarf for myself. And a baby sweater. I'll try to upload photos soon. This computer takes one million years to upload photos. And I don't have that kind of time.

Pretty

2007-11-05T14:34:00.000-08:00

Overheard at the playground today, "Finn, don't do that, girls don't like to play like that!" (He was tugging on a girl & running around).

Said (by someone other than me) to Olive yesterday, "Don't you look pretty?"

Olive is routinely assumed to be a boy because she isn't always dressed in a) flowers or b) pink.

Who decides how girls like to play? Why can't it be how individuals like to play? Why are girls who are physical, who enjoy a little rough-housing, referred to as tom-boys? Why do we continue to steal our daughter's power like that? It makes me crazy. I felt like calling out the mums in the playground today, pointing out their inherent sexism, but decided that my energy would probably be met with nothing but animosity. It bothers me everytime someone uses the term "pretty". Pretty. Pretty = docile, powerless, pleasant & god forbid, ladylike. My blood is boiling. When will we embrace women as women, however they may choose to present themselves? Feminine is whatever I as a woman choose. And if you want to get technical, there would be nothing more feminine than a woman with hairy armpits & legs, because it grows there naturally.

Must go & nurse my daughter. My fantastically individual daughter.

Finished

2007-10-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

Some recently finished objects - a lovely cashmere baby scrum helmet knit extra big in popsicle from handmaiden & an embellished black hoodie (Olive picked out the psychedelic kitty herself from an excellent local shop that closed :( ). I made the dark wool hat a few years ago for my niece, who has since regifted it back to my lassie. Who wants to read a book right now, so off I go.

Gobble that baby up

2007-10-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

Olive started singing this week. We are routinely being reminded to bust out a little Baby Beluga ("Bay-bee! Bay-bee!") or The More We Get Together (with signs). It is sweetness personified. A growth spurt hit, causing her hair to grow so long that she now needs wee barrettes to hold her bangs out of her eyes. She is giving us huge hugs just as she falls asleep at night. She often wakes up in the morning exclaiming her need for a "booh! booh!" (book! book!) or "Dada?". She is beginning to respond to questions with eyebrow waggling & shifty eyes. She makes us laugh all of the time. She clings to my knees from behind if I try to cook or do the dishes. Her word for water is "ga". Everytime I hold her on my lap she asks for milk. She is rapidly turning into a little girl & I'm going to relish this wee bit of baby left, because I know that it won't be long before it is gone & she'll no longer want to be cuddled for hours on end. I want to gobble her up & keep her close to me forever.

I! Can't! Believe! It!

2007-10-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

Olive has been asleep for more than 2 hours! I made a pie! I'm almost finished her autumn sweater! I'm listening to a Craftsanity interview with my favourite blogger!

And we're having a clothes-swap on the picket line tomorrow!

And the sun is out!

Woo freaking hoo!

Injustice

2007-10-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

Oh, these days there is much need for long walks & for singing "Baby Beluga" with Olive. We went for a 4 hour hike in the woods yesterday & it was a balm for my soul.

We have been on strike for 78 days. Our primary issues are around pay equity & rights for our part-time & auxilliary workers (who represent half of our workforce). Pay equity is a human right. We, as a primarily female workforce, are asking our employer to join with us in evaluating our jobs using a gender neutral model to establish if we are indeed earning less than equivalent jobs in male dominant workforces. Hmmm, in Ontario they have pay equity legislation & the librarians at Toronto Public Library make $7 an hour more than we do. B.C. is one of only two provinces to not have pay equity legislation. We went to a mediator last week, a man, who indicated that he was very supportive of our cause. His job was to return a set of recommendations that reflected a fair balance of the desires of our employer & the workers. Then the recommendations came back & we were all slapped in the face by the incredible injustice of them. He made every effort to accomodate the employer & to split the workforce. He claims to have given us pay equity by giving the upper 40% of the workers an increase of one pay grade. I suppose that he expected us to turn on each other, to only care about ourselves. I feel surrounded by bastards. This city only cares about people with money, about making money, about spending money on completely ridiculous events like the Olympics. Why would they want to pay their workforce, who provide invaluable public services, fairly? Why would they give two hoots about affordable housing?

Thanks be for my sisters & brothers. When our bargaining committee recommended rejecting the mediators recommendations we cheered, hollered & cried. We banded together to say, "No, you greedy bastards, we will support each other until we receive a fair deal". We have to fight this, like we have to fight so much of what is wrong in this greedy, dirty, dead-end world. How else can I raise Olive? I have to believe that we can fight this, that we can become sustainable, inclusive, caring.

Naomi Klein came to the line on Friday, but I missed it due to a wee sleeping babe. Here it is. Can't wait to read the book.

Hold on sisters & brothers. Hold on. I'm with you.

Feeling like it's all too much

2007-10-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

I just feel like crying today. I am feeling overwhelmed. I got cranky with the girls this morning - I find it really challenging to find a balance these days. I'm taking care of the two babes 3 days a week, picketing 20 hours a week, leaving only 1 day that doesn't involve 2 babies or walking around in the rain with a picket sign on. Olive has a cold (the 2nd this month) & is getting her bottom molars. She wants to nurse all night & my nipples hurt because she has to pop off to breathe, then latch back on & if I try to roll away to sleep she cries. Big D has been sick for 2.5 weeks & he hates his job(s). The house is a pigsty all of the time because it is too small & I can't get anything done when both girls are here because they want/need almost constant attention & watching. Someone is always crying or wanting a book read. I want to play but then I look around at the mess. My kitchen floor is caked with food. The bathroom is filthy. The laundry is half done. We are out of milk & cream. Olive has a yeast diaper rash that I refuse to treat with chemicals. I say 'no' a million times a day (no coming in the bathroom when I'm scrubbing a poopy diaper in the toilet, no tearing the books off of the grown-up bookshelf, no touching the diaper pail). I feel totally disrespected by my employer. I get almost no time to myself. Olive & Etta hardly nap. There are no breaks. And when there are the last thing that I want to do is clean up. I am exhausted. I spend no real time with my husband. I sit on the couch eating chocolate, watching TV & knitting when I get that precious hour or two to myself at the end of the day. I don't know how to make things easier. Should I hire a maid? With what, my strike pay????????? We live in a temporary house. Should we move? Should we mortgage ourselves up to our eyeballs to buy a tiny apartment?

Sigh. And I read other people's blogs & I think, how can their lives be so perfect? How do they do it? Nourish their kids & themselves & their relationships, keep the house clean, make money, be creative, write their blogs?

I am going to yoga tonight. That's what cans of soup are for.

2007-09-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

Taking a break. Ignoring (um, maybe just not engaging with) the babies while they play happily. For 10 minutes if I'm lucky. I feel bad because I seem to be driving every day. It's the only way that I can get these monkeys to pack it in for a nap for any length of time. I think that Wednesday we will try to ride the bike with the duo in the trailer (which Olive hates after a multiple chin pinching incident). We went to the Eastside Family Place this morning because the sight of a used needle greeted us as we got out of the car & I just didn't have the energy to search the park for rigs. The thought of one of the girls getting pricked freaks me right out. Can you imagine giving AZT to a one year old. HORRIBLE. This city is getting me down. Between the crap everywhere, the pathologically angry drivers, being totally disrespected by my employer (the strike is in week 8) & not being able to afford our own home, I want out.

And I fell & twisted my ankle on Friday. Walking. On a flat sidewalk. Near where I saw the dirty needle today. Guess I'm lucky that I didn't get stuck.

Off to enjoy my gals this afternoon & try to forget about the filthy bathroom, piles of dishes & sheets that need changing.

Scenes from our lives

2007-09-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

This is what our days look like. Olive dragging around her wad of yarn (once it was seperate balls - now it is her yarn wad. I don't care as long as she a) doesn't accidently throttle herself & b) doesn't unravel my current projects). Me stuck in my pjs for much of the morning. Showering is tough with 2. They like to eat the soap. (We're changing Baby DeeDee's diaper. Baby DeeDee is from Bamboletta - such a beautiful birthday present!). Olive's crazy awesome hair. Etta Mae, constantly looking at books (I love this picture so much). These girls are big into books - hmmm, does that make me feel good Ms. Children's Librarian? Olive sifting through her clean, folded laundry. Because what else are neatly folded piles for? And finally, lounging in the bedroom. Whenever I can't immediately find one of the girls, I know where they'll be - laying around on the beds, looking at books. And yes, that is a non-homemade stuffy. One. That she, of course, LOVES.

Wishin'

2007-09-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

Fall Make-it List:
- mobile for our room (handsewn? felt? birds & trees & leaves & butterflies?)
- Olive & Etta cloth bags for taking their diapers etc. to each others houses
- leg warmers for Olive
- leg warmers for mama (black wool & grey kidsilk haze)
- finish Olive's fall cardigan
- matching bonnet?
- cashmere toque for O.
- yoda sweater & scrum helmet for a new wee babby coming soon to a friend near us
- mama sweaters x 3

chuckle heartily.

Knitting, striking, up to my neck in babies

2007-09-03T19:52:00.001-07:00

I am she of the irregular posts. Somedays I feel inspired to share & sometimes it just feels like there are too many other things to do.

Caring for two babes has been a challenging shift, but luckily we've had the big daddy around to share in the caring. Unfortunately big daddy has to go back to work tomorrow & we are going to miss him like crazy. It sets us to dreaming about ways to not have to go to work. Then I start thinking about this insane strike. 7 weeks. No deal. No bargaining. We aren't asking for anything crazy, in fact we would accept the deal that all of the municipalities around us have received, but these f*&kers aren't offering. Are they trying to break the unions? Are they setting the stage for contracting out during the Olympics? Are they totally inhuman greedy robots who don't care about what this is doing to people both financially & emotionally? I know that we are in the right, that asking for the reasonable introduction of pay equity is a human right & that we are righteous. But it's getting harder & harder to pump up my sweet, lovely, brilliant brothers & sisters who are feeling crushed by this show of complete disrespect by our employers. I love my job. I can't wait to go back. But I won't give in.

So life is a blur of babies & striking & loving my co-workers. And knitting! These clever strikers are knitting up a storm, mostly toques for folks on the lower east side (acrylic - some insanely hideous, but you know, their hearts are in the right place - too bad acrylic going to stink in no time). Anyways, I'm working on a Scrum Helmet, as well as a cardigan & sweater vest for Miss O. Pictures to come.

Oy.

Excuses, excuses

2007-08-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

My intention is to shift this blog from an angsty mummy blog to more of a crafty blog. Or perhaps a happy blend of the two. I'm constantly being inspired by the amazing work I see around me, and I think, hey gal, what's stopping you? In part it is the teeny tiny house - no room to leave the sewing machine set up, plus marauding toddlers who would love nothing more than to scatter buttons & needles to the four winds. Choking? Punctured internal organs? Oy. Perhaps I should stick to knitting (they only occasionally poke each other in the eye & let's face it, knitting needles are relatively blunt), embroidery & handsewing.

Other obstacles to my desire to craft/craft-blog? Caring for two babies/toddlers all day, followed by Olive deciding that bedtime only happens around 9pm these days. Oh yeah, & they're only napping when I push them around the neighbourhood, often for hours. Do you know how much it rains here in the winter? A husband I'd actually like to spend alone time with before we're in our eighties. Picket duty. Maybe one day my real job again (I miss you real job! I can't wait to see you again!). A rusty ol' computer (you've been so good to us, but the time is fast approaching for a new, zippier friend) that takes FOREVER to upload photos. A need to upgrade my flickr account.

I think that is the extent of my current excuses. Feels good to get it off my chest.

And so I bring you an image of Olive & her daddy at the lake on her birthday. No crafting, just a beautiful stormy sky.

Class war, grrrr!

2007-08-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

Equal pay, yo.

2007-08-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Kristy & I'm crazy. Why? I'm up before Olive is awake. Huh? Ya, I got up earlier than I had to - it's official, I'm crazy. (One good thing about this particular choice is I got to hear Olive giggling madly in her sleep and watch her sleep with her bum in the air. Normally the morning begins with Olive prying my eyelids apart with her tiny razor sharp finger nails).

Also, this morning marks the beginning of Olive's indoctrination into trade unionism - little baby is going to be walking the picket line with mama. She'll be wearing her "Equal Pay for Equal Work" plaquard and charming my fellow library workers with her sparkle. I'm pretty sure there will be a great deal of singing, finger plays & rhyming, as well as a little accordion & guitar for spice. Oh, & dogs & knitting. Yee haw. Pictures to follow!

My sweet sisters Liza, Dana & Sharkey (& ?) rallying in front of city hall.

Back to life

2007-08-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the return. We spent a glorious month away from home - just long enough to really, really unwind & when the end came, to feel very happy to be back in our own beds.

We ate delicious local food (Olive gorged on raspberries, cherries & trout), drank delicious beverages, played games, ate sand, swam, cooked (40 degrees celsius, oh my!), watched loons, robins, otters, ducks, pelicans, sparrows, snakes & hundreds of butterflies, hung out naked (Olive actually, not the grown-ups - too many neighbours). We made jam. We made friends. We celebrated the big birthday with salmon, cake, funny hats & a campfire. We spent lots of time with family. We rested. We contemplated the future (move? stay? babies? jobs? homesteading?).

We returned to a mama on strike. And a baby who still doesn't sleep.

And I'm wondering, should I continue the blog? I'm not so sure. I guess we'll see how it feels as things get cookin' busy around here (picket duty, taking care of 2 one year olds, daddy returning to work)... Life.

Somebody sticking sticky fingers into her first taste of chocolate. It was a hit.

On retreat

2007-07-02T10:42:00.001-07:00

We're off to the cabin, to peace, to quiet, to reconnection and to celebrate Olive's first birthday. We don't know how long we'll be gone, we don't where all we'll be going. We're keeping it loose.

Last year at this time we found out that Olive was breach and we went into a frenzy of trying to turn her (lying upside down on an ironing board for hours, acupuncture, moxibustion, chiropractics, singing, begging, ECV...) and she refused. Our little monkey was born at 8:32 am on July 19th, 2006 by C-section in a glaring operating room (oh, I still mourn the loss of our peaceful homebirth). At 8:32 am this year I'll cuddle my sweet baby on the beach and remember what has been the craziest, best year of our lives. Yay baby Olive, mummy and daddy love you soooooooo much.

Sleep redux, version 5.0

2007-06-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

So we started a new sleep trial as of about 16 days ago. We decided (modified from Dr. Jay Gordon by our instincts) that the way to try to get Olive to sleep better at night was to completely stop all nursing between midnight and 5 am. We moved her little bed into our room to create a giant bed - separate but together. We felt like a 5 hour stretch wasn't too much to ask, and I really felt like if I could get 5 hours in a row (eventually, I knew it wouldn't happen magically overnight) that I could survive the rest of the night nursing until she was ready to wean or sleep on her own.

The first couple of nights she FREAKED out, but could be soothed into sleeping on mama or papa as we walked around the dark house with her tucked into a sling. Then we'd lie her down on her bed and she'd wake back up again. This would happen over and over for about an hour and a half, until she'd finally pass out from exhaustion. She was averaging about 2 wake-ups between midnight and 5, and the second wake-up was generally easier to get her back to sleep from (say, half an hour). Then it started to get better. I could just lie down beside her and sing to her while cuddling and she'd pass out in 5 or 10 minutes. Then Doug could do it too. Sometimes we'd just sleep with her in her bed, sometimes we'd get back into our bed. And one night she even slept from 11:15 pm to 3:15 pm and SO DID I. I felt like a brand new woman. Doug could spell me off. Things were improving. When she woke up anytime after 5 am she would just come into bed with mama and nurse as much as she wanted until she got up for the day, and daddy just rolled onto Olive's futon.

Then something happened. She started getting 3 new teeth all at once. There were some adult tensions around the house. And suddenly, suddenly, she's back to freaking out, taking an hour and a half to get back to sleep, screaming and screaming. And I think, sweet baby Jesus, will this child ever sleep? Doug thinks that she figured out that we were serious about this change, that it's not just some temporary fad, and she is ready to fight to the death.

We are completely unwilling to leave her alone to cry in her room in a crib (which she refuses to sleep in). I don't want to wean her. She's still getting the vast majority of her calories from me - this babe loves her milk (she even asks for it now, crying "Mama, mama" and making the 'milk' sign). And I love feeding her. And I can't even imagine how traumatic it would be to try and get her off the boob with the way she nurses right now. I will nurse her until she decides to wean herself, as long as she gives me 5 hours at night. I have to go back to work part-time in August, as well as caring for Etta 3 days a week. I have to get healthy again. I need to spend some quality time with my husband. I cannot do these things when I am getting no sleep.

So, I'm at a loss. Thank the gods Doug is done work in 3 days. It's going to be the summer of daddy teaching Olive how to sleep. And there is no going back. Sleep is now an imperative, meaning that our sweet monkey is going to have to adjust. I feel like I/we have done all of the adjusting this year, and now it's time for Olive to step up. We've done our best to give her an incredibly solid sense of love, attachment and security, and now there's going to be a little tough love chez nous.

Wish us luck.

Butt firmly stuck in neutral

2007-06-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

I've been stuck in neutral these days, whiling away hours on the internet (blogs, facebook, you're eating my brain!). I feel really disconnected from people and things that I should be connected to.

So, we're going away. In a week we'll be leaving the land of electronic and telecommunications for three weeks in the land of sun, fresh air, canoeing (yes, Olive, in the canoe! woohoo!) no plumbing, blowing off the stink in the lake, a 25 year old outdoor toilet (appealing perhaps only to me - there are paintings of sea creatures that my sister and I painted as kids - what is better than to pee with the door open, surrounded by spiders and childhood art?), crosswords, board games, cards, a beer fridge, a porch with a view, a 50 year old record player and a supply of music ranging from the Mary Poppins soundtrack to Wham! to Roger Whittaker. Yes, Roger Whittaker. Mammy Blue is one of my all time favourite songs, so kiss it. We're going to have some alone time, then we're going to hang out with Great Grampa, Auntie Chris, Nanny, Kaitlyn and 3 precocious dogs. Full house. I cannot wait to introduce Olive to my favourite place on earth.

We'll be heading out to some amazing theatre and hopefully making jam with my grama. Then we'll be heading to the island to visit Doug's family and maybe do some camping on the beach (oh, how I'd love to visit Quadra Island again!).

Then, in August, mama has to go back to work (half-time). So, time to soak up the sun, the babe, the husband, the love.

And now it's time for me to wash the floors, do the laundry, bake, dust.....

Ridiculous

2007-06-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. I love her. Look at that fizzog. It's insane. It should be illegal. It drives me to distraction.

Our days are currently full of sunshine, watermelon, and getting absolutely coated in dirt and strawberries, then splashing in water.

If only someone else could cook me fabulous, organic, local meals while I go to yoga and the gym. Mama's feeling really out of shape these days. Looking for a little more balance so that I can feel better and in turn take better care of the sweetest babe in the world.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2007-06-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

Inspiration:
This amazing exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery (loved her ideas about time and space).
This sweet lil' guy. His asymetrical whimsy will inspire my version of Hillary Lang's Wee Bunny for Olive's birthday.
This awesome tree, which I plan on turning into a mobile for Olive. She loves mobiles. Why not?
Build Green on The Nature of Things last night. Now we really, really want a rammed earth house. (Can you say polar opposite to the black mold covered co-op we interviewed for on Saturday? The one that they're going to recarpet and paint right before we'd move in? Why is almost all social/co-op housing completely unhealthy? We say thanks but no thanks to toxins off-gassing everywhere).

Deflating:
All of the news. I cannot listen to one more story about the planet dying and the futility of trying to fight it because India and China are industrializing rapidly and once all of the billions of people there have cars we are truly fucked. De-press-ing. Why don't we all just shoot ourselves now?
The movie Blood Diamond. What was I thinking? I'm finding that now that I'm a mama, I am hyper sensitive to films (especially those based on facts) or stories about children being maimed, hurt, neglected, abused or exploited. Child soldiers? Hands being chopped off? I know about all of this already, so what made me think I needed to watch a dramatization? It all just makes me feel hopeless. How can we treat each other this way?

So, where is the balance? Excess, consumption, waste, total and complete disregard for our fellow humans and the planet. And what can I do to make it just that little bit better? Oh Olive, I truly hope that we turn that corner, otherwise, I don't know what I have done.

10 months, 23 days, 2 hours and 19 minutes

2007-06-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Olive chuckles and screws her face up into a squinchy-eyed, crooked grin all of the time these days. At random things and often at herself in the mirror. She loves dogs, but she loves Etta most of all. The other day I told her that we were going for a walk to see Etta and she swiveled towards the door and exclaimed "Et-ta!". She is scooting all over the house now, right leg bent and tucked, left leg out straight. She loves standing up at the coffee table playing with whatever happens to be there, then bending over to check out her book stash hidden on the shelf underneath. She said "Booh!" yesterday when I put Moo Moo, Brown Cow down on the bed. She gets braver by the day, bending over, pulling up, reaching and getting into all sorts of yucky places. Mmm, mmm, the bathroom floor is so tasty. She likes to brush my teeth and feed her daddy. If she could, she would only eat bananas and products containing white flour (cinnamon bagels, oh my!). She can readily identify the location of her own and mama's belly buttons. She will go to sleep in daddy's arms. When Doug walks into the room she says "Hi da" and waves her wee hand. She is so, so excited about life. She doesn't want her diaper changed. She can play the tambourine. She is a patient, sweet, gentle little soul except for when she boot kicks me in the stomach. She held my finger in her hand as she slept nestled against me last night. Her hair is the softest, softest thing, perfect for nuzzling and stroking. I love her so much it makes me crazy. And makes me want to let the crazy go. So we can be happy. Oh, Olive, you make mummy so happy baby.

Tacking on the positive.

2007-06-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

I miss my friends. (So I'm going to make a real effort to reconnect with them because it will make me feel good).

I am feeling weepy these days. (Maybe I should sit down and just have a good cry).

I am almost constantly challenged (but doing a great job!).

I want some balance in my life. I am so tired of worrying about stupid shit like whether Olive's teeth are going to rot out of her head because we sometimes forget to brush her teeth, and when we do it's not very well because she doesn't really like it. Like, hello, maybe they will, maybe they won't - what are you going to do? (I have hardly any cavities and I only ever brushed once a day throughout childhood and I drank slurpees all of the time, Doug didn't go to the dentist for years and remained cavity free - perhaps she has our enamel).

I want to plan our summer trip and not worry about how hellish sleep might be in a tent (nothing a little beer and fresh air can't cure).

Yeah. Oh, and I want some new clothes and I'm going to buy some even though they will probably just get covered in stains and goo and we can't really afford it. (Because, fuck it, I might as well look good under the globs of banana).

I hate my hair. It is a giant helmet of coarseness. I also don't enjoy my hairdresser. (I'm going to cut my own hair. And if it looks bad, I look really cute with a pixie cut).

I'm going to start inviting people over in the evenings because I'm sick of being a hermit. (If Olive doesn't sleep, at least she'll learn that parties are fun!)

I'm going to establish boundaries with the babies because sometimes, I feel like my lifeforce is being sucked from my body and by the end of the day the only thing that perks me up is a glass of wine, a good book and some dessert. (Chocolate and wine are antioxidants. Babies need boundaries).

I am really, really, really looking forward to going to the first farmer's market of the season this afternoon!

Uh. Yeah. We're working on things. I love you friends.

Pathways

2007-06-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like I only really write blog posts when I'm upset. When I need to expunge some poison, frustration, anger, disapointment, and almost never when I'm happy. Because when I'm happy, I'm too busy being happy to sit in front of the computer and write.

I've always had a tendancy to dwell on the negative, to catastrophize - there is a report card of mine from about the age of 9 wherein my teacher remarks upon my morbid nature. I am generally riddled with anxiety, worry and am sensitive in the extreme. I am intense and ever so slightly crazy.

Two things I'm in the process of learning right now are a) to relax, let go, surrender and to b) state things in the positive, even if I don't feel positive. This weekend (while washing the floor) I listened to Michael Enright's interview with Allen Shawn about his new book Wish I Could Be There: Notes on a Phobic Life and Shawn made this very simple statement about how dealing with his phobias was just a simple matter of creating new pathways in his brain. And I got to thinking about how simple it really is - my reactions to things, my persistent negative thinking are all just a result of the pathways between the synapses in my brain. Olive's dependance on nursing for sleep is also just because that is the pathway in her brain. And so for us to change things for the better all we need to do is gently and consistently create new pathways - when I catch myself thinking or speaking negatively I need to pause and rephrase in a positive manner. When putting Olive to sleep we need to gently introduce new ways for her nod off, and eventually they will become the default.

I went to yoga class yesterday and afterwards as I was driving to pick up Olive I was thinking about control and my obsessive need for it - I am constantly tracking how much she eats, when she nurses, how long she sleeps, how often she poops. It's crazy. And I can't control any of it. And I shouldn't, it's not my job, it's only suffocating.

I have to let go. When she won't sleep, she can get up. When I am frustrated I have to walk away and take a break. If she is in the care of a responsible, loving adult, I don't need to know the details of what took place while I was gone.

So, letting go, surrender, positive thinking, new neural pathways. Good luck? I can do it.

Whipping out the cranky

2007-06-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

Warning, warning: this post contains more than its fair share of the F-bomb.

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

It's a cranky morning.

Olive doesn't sleep anymore. Whatever happened, whatever changed, I'm sure that it's my fault. Because mother is the root, the cause of all problems, n'est-ce pas? I can cure all, I can screw it all up.

I now recall why I don't enjoy co-sleeping. If I move, she wakes up. If I don't move, I wake up exhausted, cranky and cramped. But if we don't co-sleep I'm busting my ass down the hall every hour or so to nurse the little bugger. The little bugger whom I love very, very much.

On one side I have the "let her cry, the only way she'll learn how to sleep is to cry", the "close down the all night boob buffet" brigade, on the other side I have the "if you let her cry she'll only sleep worse, and she'll be fucked up beyond all recall, hate you as a teenager and start snorting cocaine at twelve". YEEfuckin'HAW gang. Catch-22 up the wazoo.

I'm tired of being the endlessly sacrificing mother. I'm tired of being so goddamn tired. The only way I'm making it through the days these days is to remain perpetually jacked up on coffee, which in turn makes it almost impossible for me to unwind enough at night to go to sleep. I'm tired of giving, giving, giving, all night long. I'm tired of being so freaking sensitive to her every whimper. I'm tired of having no energy for anyone other than Olive, including myself. I want to go out occasionally without feeling guilty. I want to feel physically well. The situation is totally, completely out of control. And somebody (somebody pretty damn cute) has figured out exactly which frequency of whine-cry to make to get mama to plug up that gawd awful noise with her boob. And now I'm scared of trying to do the nightweaning (the totally sensitive, loving, daddy-by-your-side-all-night-long nightweaning. Not the alone-in-the-crib-in-the-dark-screaming-until-you-barf nightweaning) because ONE PERSON I know said that her daughter slept worse after trying it.

What. the. fuck.

So, Olive, my love. My sweet, sweet baby. We're going to have a rough end of June so that mama doesn't lose her marbles completely.

In the meantime, it's a beautiful day, the big D. is skipping work (yay!) and we're going to the park for a sushi picnic. And tonight, mama is going out for some cocktails.

It's called crazy

2007-05-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a whirlwind of sunshine, babies and big, big developmental changes.

Olive figured out how to get herself around (scooting) this week and has developed the enchanting sleep time habit of incessantly rolling over and pushing to sit up, over and over and over and over again. She will be frantic with fatigue, weeping, and will continue to roll over and push up, like a little automaton. Going to sleep used to take a bit of boob, a book, some songs, and night night. Now it's hours of crying. Poor monkey. Poor mummy and daddy. Everyone is tired, tired, tired. Olive also started clapping and waving this week. Picture this: wee monkey sitting up on her futon, sobbing, grinning and waving. It's called crazy folks, and we're experts.

Etta Mae started to come to stay with us this week while her mama returns to toil at "work", although I think we'd both say that "work" has nothing on the work we do at home with these little ladies. I was so worried about how well this whole child care sharing would go, and there are going to be some definite rough patches around sleep, but the secret, unexpected delights? They are great. Olive and Etta find each other endlessly amusing. We knew that they liked each other, but these great swaths of time side by side are leading to some pretty wild giggle fits. Etta spits out cucumber, Olive giggles. Then Etta giggles. Then Doug and I giggle. Then everyone is giggling. Olive hiccups. Etta giggles. The cycle goes on. Thank the gods for the giggles, otherwise the crying, clinging, and general sleeplessness might just drive me around the bend.

Witness, Olive finally sleeps while Etta sports a gravel goatee. Also, the finished birthday crown! Woo hoo!

Happy Birthday Etta Mae!

2007-05-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

I love these girls. I feel so, so lucky to have had a friend like Jana in my life for so many years, and then to luck into getting pregnant at the same time, what a gift. Her little Miss Etta Mae turns one today. Good job mama J! You are such an amazing, inspiring mama and I am so thankful to have shared this journey with you. And Etta, you are pure pixie ninja magic, all squished up in one wee little body. We love you little monkey.

Photo by Cameron.

Library workers put the FUN in FUNny

2007-05-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

Good ol' fashioned library fun from some of my favourite peeps. Aw, you kids rule!

Adorable cuteness

2007-05-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Freaking adorableness abounds chez nous these days. Olive, struggling to crawl, to walk, to get mobile, is spending nap time rolling off her futon to play. We were finding her lying belly down on the floor perusing her books. So we moved the books out of her room. Yesterday I found her by the door trying to get the garbage can full of poopy wipes open. Today she spent an hour (inbetween nursing with mum) using all of her considerable 10 month old dexterity to get that blasted dresser drawer open. Thank the gods that dresser weighs a million pounds and the drawers are sticky and impossible to open one-handed. Inconvenient for mummy? Yes. Safer for Olive? Definitely. And when she's discovered, red-handed, what does she do? Flash her 4-toothed mega-watt grin as if to say "Mama, what did you really think I was going to do when there is so much to discover?"

In utter frustration after an hour of trying to get her to sleep yesterday afternoon I strapped her into her stroller, made a little cave of receiving blankets and started walking. Little miss put her hands behind her head, kicked back and was snoozing before we'd walked 3 blocks. Hmmm, it seems that strapping her down is now the only option. Good thing the weather is gorgeous - mummy needs some exercise anyways.

Olive wearing Claire's hair.

Up

2007-05-22T09:48:00.000-07:00

What's up:

Still trying to get Olive to sleep better. Still not getting enough sleep myself. Still struggling with anxiety and self doubt. Nothing new in this department.

People giving advice. Well meaning people with well meaning advice. All of which directly contradicts the advice of another person. Or that expert book. I say, kaka. So Douglas and I decided last night, as I tearfully laid in bed exhausted yet unable to sleep, that he is going to be the logic around all sleep decisions these days. I'm not going to read anything more about it - he will do the reading, and he will be in charge of reality checks. I just have to keep my head down and keep trying to get Olive and I some sleep in the happiest way possible for everyone.

Revelations about childcare. I'm not into daycare for babies. I am not into daycare period. But I have to work half-time if we're going to eat, so Olive needs some care. Luckily that care will be in the form of my best friend and her little daughter Etta Mae, so Olive will spend her time with someone who loves her and with a companion. I will take Etta on my days off, Jana will take Olive on her days off. We need extra high chairs, car seats, a double stroller, yada yada. Oh yeah, and, it's going to be REALLY HARD. I watched Etta on Friday and got a bit more of a reality check than I had in the past because, guess what? Etta runs. Runs away. Runs around. Sticks her fingers in things. Our house? Not baby proof. Yikes. So, anxiety has now set in about caring for two very loving, very sweet, very precocious babes who DON'T SLEEP easily on very little sleep myself. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, sweet mama earth, please, please help me through this.

On the up side I'm busily knitting away on my cashmere sweater. I bought some adorable fabric to make the misses summer jammies. And Etta's birthday crown is under way.

High ho.

Should be doing something else

2007-05-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this. It is what I aspire to. It is divine & adorable & delicious & whimsy, whimsy, whimsy.

So, here I am, reading blogs, vegetating while Olive naps when I really should be:
- finally cleaning my sewing machine in anticipation of : a) making Olive diapers (yes, it's true! they are going to be fabulous!), b) making Etta her birthday crown, c) making Etta a birthday baby, d) making Olive a tumble mat for beside her futon to replace the folded up ancient comforter that currently resides there for that purpose.
- doing some yoga. I am so woefully out of shape that my once weekly trip to kneel at my yoga teachers feet is just a joke (hamstrings - so, so tight. abdominal muscles, what?).
- planting the beautiful plants that our good friend Terry brought us from her gorgeous garden.
- then there is the cleaning. But we won't go there.

Why am I doing this? Because Olive woke up at 6 AM after waking up about 6 times last night. When, oh when will I ever sleep again?

So. Off I go!

Oh yeah, gonna wear my skin tight hot pink feminist t-shirt today and nuture my baby at the same time. Yo, I'm a rebel.

Mama love

2007-05-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

Ah, my very first mama's day was divine!

I slept in, then big D. brought in the little monkey for some snuggle time, then while Olive had her morning nap we drank coffee and read the Saturday Globe & Mail (whose new redesign I do not enjoy at all). Interesting book reviews on mothering and feminism. It all just irks me a bit - I am a staunch feminist and proud mama - why do you want me to work full time as well? Oi! I think that the most political thing I can do is raise my own children.

Oh yeah, then we packed a picnic lunch (bagette, goat cheese, roast chicken, raw veggies & hummous, pita, dried morrocan olives) and headed out to meet our sweet friends Jana, Cameron and Etta Mae at the Reifel Bird Sanctuary. Sun, squeezes, birds, and happy babes.

I love you my monkey. I love the way you smile at me - you glow. I love your snuggles and discoveries, thrilled with yourself that you can now waggle your tongue back and forth. You've brought more joy, more challenge into my life than I knew was possible. You rock my world Miss Olive. Thank you, thank you, thank you world for bringing me this girl. She is pure love.

The Return

2007-05-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well, we're back from our epic voyage and very happy to be snuggled back up in our beds with our daddy.

We had a lovely time with Nanny, Auntie Chris, cousin Gloria, Great Grama, Great Grampa, Pa, Kaitlyn, and Auntie Kelly. There were many snuggles and kisses, and Olive worked very hard on getting mobile. Crawling is on the very near horizon. Signing has begun. She loved the walking and the playing, but missed all of her baby friends and of course, most of all, her daddy. Sleep was shit - fool that I am, I actually thought that we'd continue to evolve our sleep situation. On the bright side I've learned a whole new level of patience, and now we'll begin again.

Mother's Day is on its way. It was so, so wonderful to spend this time with my mum and my babe. Olive learned to say NanNan (mum is Nanny) and we spent many hours talking, laughing and playing cards. Oh yeah, and eating! I feel like I am finally learning to trust my instincts, to trust that I am a good mama, and to know what I need to achieve balance. That, I think, is the best gift I could get for my very first Mother's Day. That and some zzzz's.

Ohhh, I missed that husband of mine.

Olive & her cousin Kaitlyn cuddling on their Great Grandparent's lawn in Vernon.

Avoiding and embracing

2007-04-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

This morning's Sounds Like Canada Thursday Think Tank had a discussion about work/life balance, about busyness being an excuse to escape from meaningful interaction with other human beings, and about the rudeness of people using their Blackberry's at a dinner party.

On that note, Olive and I are heading off for two weeks of computer free time with family. I'm hoping that we'll come back well rested, well read (somebody bought somebody the brand new Michael Ondaatje novel!), and ready to start fresh.

Yeehaw.

Rocky Mountain High

2007-04-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

I am so excited about our upcoming trip to the rockies. As a child we often made the long, long drive from Calgary to Vernon, from Calgary to Kamloops, or from Calgary to Mable Lake, all along the Trans-Canada through the rockies. I used to sit in the backseat of our old brown truck, gazing out at the mountains for hours, imagining that hobbits and elves lived amongst the sunlit peaks and valleys that it seemed impossible to reach. I made up stories, we played games, fought, and sang along to Kenny Rogers. Yah baby, sweet, sweet Kenny.
Last month the Tapestry did a show on "soul music", music that made your heart and soul thrill or weep or just feel intensely. It made me think of all the music that moves me, and how it changes as my life changes. I also thought of my last trip through the rockies with my mum to go and fetch my niece Kaitlyn in Red Deer. Mum and I were driving down the highway listening to Sarah Harmer's album "You Were Here" and I was so filled with joy, with contentment, surrounded by this overpowering beauty of forests, mountains, water, by intensely sweet music, and sitting by the side of my mum.
I am hoping that Friday will be equally sweet. That Olive will be content and sleepy. And that we can play some fabulous music as the soundtrack to our goreous country going by.

Some music that's stirring my soul:
"One Heart" - Rory McLeod
"Lodestar" - Sarah Harmer
"I Am Aglow" - Sarah Harmer
"Sweet Thing" - Van Morrison
"Private Universe" - Crowded House
"Connected" - Eric Bibb
"Cucurrucucu Paloma" - Caetano Veloso
Anything off of Joni Mitchell's Blue album
"Coo Coo Bird" - The Be Good Tanyas

Status quo

2007-04-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

Here's our current status:

Mummy & Daddy have some kind of stomach bug.

Olive may or may not develop roseola towards the end of the week (her buddy Leni is sick with it right now!).

Olive & I are going away for 2 weeks starting at the end of the week.

We are driving 4 hours on Thursday night, then 6.5 on Friday to reach our destination in the rockies.

This trip is supposed to be a relaxing girlie time with Nanny, Auntie Chris & cousin Gloria. Instead it may be a barf & fever festival of sick baby in a car for many, many kilometres. Oh sweet mother of God, please let her be resistant to all of these nasty bugs.

I have to pack everything (giant, huge list of stuff), get a haircut, & go to the library.

I received 7 skeins of hand-dyed cashmere for my next project. It is divine.

I love Michael Ondaatje. His new novel Divisadero is out. His poetry, his novels. He is exquisite. I can't wait to read it.

Oi.

2007-04-22T20:48:00.001-07:00

Can you say food poisoning/stomach flu?

Oi.

Getting out of the way

2007-04-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

Hilarious? Yes. Offensive to some? Maybe. Olive's future? You betcha.

Trying to get a photo of the monkey's top teeth. Sooooo cute.

The sleeping thing is going one million billion times better than I ever could have hoped for (knocking on the wood). Maybe I will get 5 hours in a row very soon. My sweet babe, she was ready. Now I just have to get over my wee lingering sadness about saying goodbye to cosleeping. Although I've made Doug promise that she can always come and sleep with us if she wants to. But for now she doesn't seem to care at all, and in fact is sleeping much better without mummy's hulking, milk tinged form waking her up all of the time.

So there you go. Life keeps on surprising me.

One life

2007-04-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

Mental health is a tough thing. Are people sicker these days than they used to be or is it just that we're more aware?

I think that we're all feeling a bit worse. We're isolated from nature and from each other. And when we try to communicate it's often using technology instead of sitting face to face, where we can read each others bodies as well as hear our words.

I'm miscommunicating with people these days. I'm making people cry. I'm crying a lot. This is a hard time for me. Harder than anything I've ever experienced. And when I have perspective I know that my life is grand, it's beautiful. My healthy, thriving babe, my supportive, kind and infinitely loving husband (not possible? yes, it is). I don't have cancer. My baby isn't dying from a horrific genetic disease (knock, knock, knock on wood). I have two loving parents and a great circle of friends and family. But this sleep thing in conjunction with mental health issues that I have never really dealt with almost has me beat. I am struggling. Not all of the time, but for moments, minutes, hours every day I feel like there is no way out, no way to get better. I know that there is. I know this. But sometimes it is so hard - and this isn't because I'm lazy or ungrateful or weak. I need to get through this getting Olive to sleep better thing, get myself some sleep, and then I need to make a real committment to my mental health. Because I love my husband, and I love my Olive, and I need to really love me so that we can all truly experience, relish, cherish this life together. Because this is all there is. Just this one life.

June Callwood died on Saturday (watch this link - please do). I wish that I had known her. Ah, the wisdom. We can only hope.

What's good

2007-04-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

Check out Olive's bonnet! Bonnet's rule!

Other good things today:
- Olive had 2 decent naps
- Doug brought me gifts of Purdy's & vino (ah, he knows me so well)
- Olive got checked up at the doc & something I was worried about is a-okay
- I have time to make us up a batch of our favourite granola from the best cookbook of all time
- I finally rented the electric breastpump from the hospital so that we can have a supply of milk on hand so I can
- Go out tonight for an evening of vino & clothes swapping with my Mother's Unfolding group
- We are doing our research into changing Olive's sleep routine in a gentle, loving way
- My best friend & her sweet daughter are coming home on Monday. Hooray! We miss you Yaun!

Runaway

2007-04-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

We ran away this weekend. On the spur of the moment I lost it and decided that I needed my mama, so we loaded the monkey into the car and drove up to K-town. And I almost fell asleep driving. Can I say that passing semis doing 120 on a highway without lines while fighting sleep with my precious baby and husband in the back seat FREAKED ME OUT?

Then Doug and my mum staged a sleep intervention. Like for an alcoholic or addict, but instead for me, a sleep deprived mummy who believes that the only way to be a good mama is to gut oneself to the point of complete physical and emotional destruction. Let's just say that there was weeping and angst and little bit of tough love, but I'm feeling better and ready to commit to change.

So, we're going to teach Olive how to put herself back to sleep. We're not going to make her cry it out, but there will probably be some tears on both our parts (while being cuddled, loved and patted). And we'll have to stop most of our co-sleeping. And I'll have to give up all of that precious cuddly baby time (but hey, we'll do more during the day!). I feel like my brain and body are dying. Hopefully, I'll get some sleep soon, because I'm worth it.

For now she is getting her two top teeth, so I'm still on constant boob patrol and so tired, so very very tired, that I can't manage to do much of anything beyond cuddling my baby or trolling the internet. Thank God for husbands who cook and clean.

Off to lie down with a cup of sleepy tea. I'll post photos again one day.

Thanks

2007-04-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say thank you to the folks (all four of you!) who post comments, especially the ones about my good mother post. I think that I was a little freaked out when I first realized that people were actually reading this. Even people I don't know. And people I do know. Maybe even my family sometimes. I know, I know, it's a blog, it's out there for planetary consumption.

And I had to ask myself, why am I writing this? And the answer is, it helps me. It helps me think about this journey that I'm on and to gain some perspective, and it's putting me in touch with some of my creative juices again. And it brings me pleasure. So if somebody wants to read what often amounts to a list of complaints, then hey, thanks everybody. I really appreciate it.
It's also helping me recognize the difference between my fantasy of life (super crafty mummy, getting everything done around the house, crafting, and nourishing Olive on every level, yet still the sassy bitch who's good-time-fun) and reality. Which isn't that. So, letting go of expectations, yada yada yada. We're talkin' 'bout a revolution gang.

Sweet sweet solitude

2007-04-04T18:48:00.000-07:00

Olive is now beginning the evening in her own room on her special futon. And for the first time in 8.5 months I can read a book and drink a cup of tea whilst lying in bed.

Ecstasy.

Now I need some trashier novels, a big chocolate stash and a baby who sleeps 5 hours in a row, and I'll be set.

Olive's first day of school. We visited her daddy's class today, and Olive's wee eyes bugged out of her head. She really enjoys a room full of 11 year olds.

Funny

2007-04-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we're nursing to sleep at naptime and Olive is nodding off, eyes rolled back in her head, well on her way to dream land, when boom! she pikes, pulls off the boob while sucking in a rattling Vader breath, which she then expels with an "eye-yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" topped with a giant raspberry, a grin, and a return to the boob.

I tell you, this kid, she is funny.

My yarn is ready! My yarn is ready! Picture tap dancing mice traipsing across my heart. Yee. haw.

This is what I call funny, yo. In a grown up way.

Recipe for unyummy mummy

2007-04-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Separation Anxiety + Sleep Reversion + Nap Avoidance + Ability to Whine Without Cessation for Long Periods of Time - Mummy Getting Sleep = Frozen Pizza, Carrot Sticks & Beer for Supper.

I. feel. like. death. Why can't she be a sleeper? And now I have sleep anxiety. Oh, if only I could drink myself into stupor, then sleep for 20 hours straight.

I told Doug that I was going to run away from home for the weekend and check into a hotel where I would sleep and sleep. His response? "Just leave some milk." What a guy. He'd really do it too. Gotta love him.

Garden Terror

2007-03-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

These were all taken in our yard in the 5 minutes before Olive decided that grass was terrifying and that Doug and I being one step away from her was one step too far. 'Cuz that grass is damn scary.

Accomplish some yard work? Dream on suckas, dream on.

Growing

2007-03-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

"... without children we wouldn't grow because we would continue to make ourselves the center of the world... the mess of life, the chaos, the challenges and the growth that comes from having children is what life is about..." - Annie Fiery Barrows in Expectations: 30 Women Talk About Becoming a Mother

Sometimes it feels like my heart has grown so big, it's going to burst through my chest. Olive grins at me. She waves night night to her chicken mobile. She loves the feeling of the swings, the wind in her face, that jump in her tummy as she glides back and forth. We make her into an Olive sandwich, squishing her between us in a giant hug and kiss fest. She wants to sleep with her legs on my stomach, curled into my body. She is so eager to explore the world and herself, her voice, her abilities. Nothing is static. Following books on sleep, on raising kids, like they're bibles is foolishness. It is exactly the same as the blind devotion to religious rhetoric that fuels wars. Life is messy, and babies are messier. My buttons are pushed, my walls are crashed into and crashed down. Constantly. I'll have two days of peace and five of struggle. I've been thinking a lot about when Olive was a newborn. About how disappointed I was, how shocked, how resistant I was to how much she needed me. I kept getting angry and hopeless, saying that I couldn't do it, that we had made a mistake. Now I wish that I could stay home forever. That Doug could stay home with us all of the time. We are all so much happier when nobody is going to work. This is divine. And divinely difficult.

Words that inspire me:
"When you're tired and your baby is crying at night, ask yourself, what is your baby trying to tell you? If they could speak, what would they say? Mama, I'm scared, I'm tired, I need you to come and lie with me in the dark until I go to sleep again." (Paraphrased from a mummy I respect very much). For the past few nights Olive has been waking up crying within the first hour of sleep and I walk in and she just looks so scared, her little hands shaking. If I followed some of the common lore I would say, too bad baby, you can't be hungry, your bum is dry, nothing is wrong, go to sleep. But I know that she is saying to me "Mama, I need you. I need your comfort. Something has scared me, and I need to know that you are here for me." And yesterday I realized that what I am doing for Olive is a gift. I am giving her the gift of safety, of unconditional love, of trust. And in return I am experiencing the most crazy, intense, full love I have ever experienced. I sometimes feel like my DNA is rearranging itself - I am so changed, to the very core of my being, by the gift of being Olive's mama. Becoming parents is giving Doug and I the opportunity and the impetus to become better human beings and better partners to each other. It's not easy, but it is good. And maybe I can't do it all of the time, but what I can give her, I will. Because it all comes down to this, we're building the foundation. We're growing the tree.

Olive was 2 days old in this photo.

Looking for joy

2007-03-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

I came across a lovely spring manifesto and thought, with the sunshine finally returning, that this is a good idea. Good to ponder. Good to write down and remember.

I will dive into nursing my baby. I will luxuriate in nuzzling her sweet cheeks and soft hair. In stroking her sweet skin. It is going by so fast, and I'm not ready for her to be big yet.

We will spend time rolling on the grass and discovering flowers and feeling warm breezes on our naked skin - it is all new to O.

I will embrace opportunities to snuggle and giggle in bed with Doug and Olive.

I will read the manual on our camera and learn how to use it to its full extent.

I will make time for meditation.

I will read on the back porch while sipping something yummy.

I will believe in the truth of my instincts.

I will listen to more music and less talk radio.

I will explore more seasonal, local foods.

I will drive less and walk more.

I will look for the possibility of joy, not sorrow. Because it really is everywhere, when I stop racing forwards all of the time.

I will be present.

I will enjoy chocolate in all its forms.

The photos are from one of our favourite walking spots near our house, Mountain View Cemetery.

Pause

2007-03-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

Took a little pause in the blogging and extreme internet use/abuse.

The big daddy has been home this week and we have been nurturing the sick baby and each other and trying to accomplish practical things (like taking apart the beautiful handpainted crib that we don't use and baby proofing the house).

Taxes, tidying, buying Olive a made in Vancouver non-toxic futon, and a date for mummy and daddy! And an evening out with girlfriends, beer and nachos for mummy. Many firsts.

All in all, a restful time.

Too bad it has been unrelenting misery outside for eons - oh, where art thou spring? We're dying for a little sunshine and rolling around on the grass (grass - not mud). And bird watching. High hopes for the weekend.

A good mother

2007-03-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of struggle.

Olive has been whiny for a good 36 hours. Which seems like nothing, but added to 2 weeks of a cold, plus my own cold, and a dash of middle of the night 'can't go back to sleep because I can't nurse because my nose is stuffed so I will whine and cry and thrash in mummy's ear' in addition to a generous dollop of 8 whole months of chronic sleep deprivation equals one mama who loses it.

I have not been taking care of myself. I have been getting caught up in my ideas of what a 'good' mother is. A good mother stays with her baby when they're sick. They nurse on demand. They nurse through the night. They make organic baby food from scratch. They stimulate with books, songs, rhymes, and natural toys. They carry their babies and feel guilty when they use the stroller. They always know what's wrong and how to fix it. They don't need breaks. They don't let their babies cry for any length of time. Ever. They don't give their babies ibuprofen for their teething pain. They don't yell fuck. They don't feel hate. They don't want to just be left the fuck alone for just a little while. And if they do need a break, need some sleep, need to go and talk with someone else about something else PLEASE, they are shitty, uncaring, selfish women whose children will hate them later.

And so I've hit a wall. I am tired of being jealous of other mums who find time for themselves. I'm tired of whispering evil shit about them because I don't do that for myself.

I need to exercise. I need some evenings off. I need a bit more sleep. I need some space to be alone in my body and my mind. I need to give myself a break and acknowledge that I am a good mum. I am a good mum.

I've always felt like I wasn't really good at anything. "Jack of all trades, master of none" (as my friend Dana says). Even getting a Master's degree in librarianship felt the same - I always thought 'this is an easy Master's' or 'I'm not as smart as my fellow students', and in the end, librarians are the quintessential Jack of all trades. And I was never a gifted actor, never a great artist, no great passion for anything really. I'm not as nice as Doug. I have a big mouth and a bad temper.

And so, I've always wanted to be a mum. I've always loved kids and babies, and as an adult I developed this fixation on becoming a mother. I was crazy with unfounded paranoia about not being able to get pregnant, and worried the whole way through my pregnancy that something bad would happen to the baby.

And then Olive showed up, healthy and beautiful and so, so, so much harder than I had ever guessed. I. had. no. idea. How could I?

And I have been putting pressure on myself to be this 'good' mother ever since. I'm depressed. I have problems with anxiety. And I'm a really good mum. Who needs to take a step back. Who needs to let go. Who needs to rely upon others a bit more.

So, here we go.

Irritated

2007-03-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

Olive has discovered her free will and is doing her best to assert herself whenever I do something to piss her off. Which is frequently.

She makes this squinched up face and yells/screams/grabs/kicks/whines.

Things that irritate her:

hard poos (not really my fault)
taking away things she's playing with (say, a ceramic dish)
not giving her the spoon while she's eating
eating solids delivered by said spoon (time for finger food?)
wiping her face
wiping her boogey nose
changing her diaper
leaving her alone on the floor
leaving her alone in the bed
removing my nipple from her mouth
trying to put my nipple in her mouth when we are in public or with others (she can only focus on nursing for any length of time if she is a) falling asleep, b) asleep, or c) so famished she might perish without it)

I am sick. My theory is that the cold came because I actually got some sleep three nights in a row (only 4 or 5 wake ups per night - it was divine). Doug thinks I'm crazy. This is not the first time he's told me that.

We played with our friends Charlie & Etta this afternoon. A good time was had by all.

Non-toxic

2007-03-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

Because I love you.

Here comes the sun!

2007-03-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

The sun came out today after a week of nothing but pouring, revolting, freezing rain. We walked and walked and missed napping so that we could soak in the rays and check out the crocuses (croci?). So worth it.

Here's a shot of Doug's completed birthday hat as he cuddles with our sweet baby.

I LOVE these birthday crowns that Soulemama is making. There will definitely be one in the works for misses Olive and Etta Mae. What could be better than a crown on your special day!

I love this lady's quilts. I can't wait to get my sewing machine in shape; maybe we'll walk up to the crazy stretchy-sequined-flammable fabric shop tomorrow after naptime and look for some oil so that I can repair the damage of years of neglect.

We're also loving this Nigella recipe for Chocolate Cloud Cake. Oh so easy, oh so tasty. Oh no, I've made it twice in the past week (for sharing with others, I swear!).

Flowers! Sunshine! Sushi in the park with a good friend! Makes me feel like a million bucks. Only yoga would've made it better.

Seeking some clarity

2007-03-10T15:04:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about community and about sleep (or lack thereof), and last night Doug and I were talking with our very close friends who are also new parents about how much these two issues dominate our lives.

We were talking about how our friends could return to Nova Scotia, where they could afford to buy a house (Vancouver is now the second most expensive place in North America to live), and more importantly, where they would be surrounded by family. Their daughter could grow up as part of a giant clan of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and great grandparents, all of whom would help with the difficult business of raising children.

As it stands we only have ourselves. The mummies spend all day and night caring for the babies, and the only relief we have is from the daddies, who are both working full time. Having my mum and aunt here last weekend really emphasized this for me, this aloneness, and the exhausting nature of it just being Doug and I on duty, all of the time. And that's not to say that other friends don't volunteer to watch Olive (or Etta), but other friends aren't around enough to really create a bond with the babes - and we aren't into leaving our babes with people who to them are virtual strangers. We can leave the girls with each other, but that means that we, as already tired-out parents, then take on two babes for awhile to give the other couple a break. And you can't (due to scheduling/exhaustion) do this super regularly. Last weekend my mum took Olive every morning so that Doug and I could both get some sleep, and during the day we both got a bit of a break instead of Olive always being with one or the other. I don't need help everyday, but a regular visit with Nanny or a substitute Nanny would be heaven. Because nannies love their babies, no matter how they cry, and they also love the mamas and papas, no matter how they bitch.

Now, that's not to say that we don't love being with Olive, but I don't believe that babies were meant to be raised within the confines of the nuclear family. Nursing a babe all night and day, and truly nurturing her as she needs (and deserves) to be nurtured takes a huge, vast amount of energy and patience. This plague of cry it out, and babies sleeping alone in cribs in their own rooms is a product of this isolation of families, and when you try to avoid that, to nurture your family, you realize just how much nurturing mum and dad need as well as babe. It's so hard to treat yourself and your partner well when you're both pouring all of your energy into the baby and taking care of basics.

So, we need to ask, what do we really want for our family? Do we want to be able to buy a house? Do we want to be near my family, no matter the cost (i.e. living in Kamloops)? Is it worth it to live in a place where you would have no tribe, but you would have family? Should we run away to some far away place where we can build a new community? Should we stay here in Vancouver with no family, no stable home, and maybe soon, no best friends? What is best for Doug, Olive & I as a unit?

I do know that we want to be together as much as possible - no Doug working in summers, no mama working full-time. Lots of lazy, rich days together. In a dream, both Doug and I would be 'working' from home as artisans of one kind or another. We didn't have Olive to stick her in daycare. We won't work so much that our family dies, even though that is what it would take to own a home in Vancouver.

And sleeping. Sleeping. We've talked about trying to change her sleep habits a lot. When we have a couple of bad nights and I'm so tired I'm nauseous and brain dead and angry, we say, 'we have to change this.' But then I have to look inside myself and when I do I see this: a happy, thriving baby. A deep, abiding connection, love and sense of safety. I feel like I have something with Olive that I wouldn't have if she didn't night nurse and co-sleep. I'd love it if she'd nurse less at night (say 2 or 3 times instead of God knows how many), but I am not willing, at this point in time, to let her cry. Even if the crying is in her dad's arms. Why would we spend all of this time growing this trust, this attachment, only to break it? I do not want her to sleep in her own room. I don't want her to sleep in a crib. I want her to spend most of the night near us, with our bodies touching, reassuring each other.

So, so. So, we're going to rearrange our bedroom to make it safer for a crawling baby and to give her a little sleeping nook on the floor so that she'll (hopefully) not wake up when mum and dad come to bed at night. And we're in negotiations on whether Doug will take her for some of the wake ups for awhile to get her to maybe stop waking so frequently (this will be a big debate). And if this doesn't work or doesn't happen, I need to make a committment to myself to some self-care. I need to start trying to take naps and to go to bed early once or twice a week. And I need to do some yoga at home and to exercise a bit more.

Self-care. Rearranging. Big talks about the future. Financial reassessment.

Clarity, let's get crackin'.

Melange

2007-03-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

Oi, the wee babe is sick. She's been fighting a cold for a week now, and has now evolved into a gooby coughing mess. Great green gobs of snot drip down her face, and if I'm not on it in seconds (maybe a fraction of a second), she is rubbing her nose and her eyes and there is a melange of body fluids EVERYWHERE. Or she just eats it. Mmmmmm. All of those times I grossed my mum out by chewing my toenails are coming back to haunt me.

Yesterday I impulse purchased myself a (huge) skein of Fleece Artist Country Mohair in Rainforest. It is SO beautiful. I had no idea what I would do with it at the time, but I've since dreamed up the plan for a gorgeous pillow for my couch. Yummy. There was another woman there puchasing 6 skeins who was talking about creating a coat based on her grandfather's oriental rug. Ya.... me too. 'Cuz I would know how to do that.

I am an obsessive list maker. I make huge lists, then I accomplish almost nothing on it. But dammit, that list will prevent me from forgetting anything that I shouldn't. There are currently things on the big list (living on the fridge) that are months behind. We missed the RESP date. I haven't called my cousin. The car hasn't been cleaned since we purchased it. And why the heck would I want to read that boring insurance policy anyways? I'd much rather attend to the pressing business of nursing/playing/feeding/walking/dishes/laundry/taking a break. Getting the bathroom cleaned on a semi-regular basis is a triumph - actually making a will is beyond my ken.

And really, let's be honest. My brain is a sieve. Random thoughts and ideas trickle through my mind, like snowflakes on a warm day, only to melt the moment they make contact with anything else. So, the lists.

Uh, what was the point?

I finally finished Doug's birthday hat - photo forthcoming (must convince him to let me take a picture), and mostly finished the baby sweater (need some wooden buttons) which will be blogged about on Handmaiden's blog because, evidently, it is a near perfect example of what Mme. Handmaiden refers to as "the sweet spot" in hand dyed yarn.

Crafty goals (I feel a list coming on...):

clean & oil sewing machine
purchase fabric to make bibs
start above mentioned pillow
practice embroidery

Mishmash

2007-03-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

The babe is sick (nasty ol' cold - can't breathe properly through the schnoz) and napping (merci dieu).

The guests has flown (it was lovely - lots of decadent food and other people doing the dishes/getting up early with Olive).

Mummy is taking an internet break instead of doing laundry/dishes/bathroom/washing floors.

Things I desire:

These delicious Trippen Pleats boots.
These gorgeous Born sandals in Moss Green.
A trip to the this fabric store in Portland.
A couple of skeins of this yarn in Tangerine and Avocado.
To live in a nice old house with a porch and lots of trees on a plot of land for a vegetable garden, where it is quiet and you can walk in the woods right outside your door. There will be enough room for me to have a studio and for Doug to have a workshop. It's going to happen.

2007-03-01T10:29:00.001-08:00

And her first word is mama!

There is some debate around our house about whether it is indeed a legitimate first word (does she know what she's saying or is it just an easy sound?), but I attest that when a baby says 'mamamamama' when she has just woken from a nap or wants a boob or wants to be picked up, she knows what she's saying. Or she knows that this sound is an effective tool for getting what she wants, all of which revolve around me.

I deserve the first word!

My poor babe is sick. Yesterday evening involved some spraying of saline, some resistance to spraying, some hating of the humidifier, some biting of mummy's precious nips (6 times now, I'm keeping track. There's nothing like a nip on the nips to make a mummy rethink her idea of nursing until her babe self-weans. Oi. I don't put my foot down about much yet with this monkey, but biting and stealing glasses are off limits). Anyways, I was so sleep deprived and upset about the biting that I passed out on the couch (after a rant at my sweet husband - because you can't rant at the sick baby) and left Doug and Olive to play until 11 o'clock at night. At which point I returned to duty and would you believe that she slept for 3 STRAIGHT HOURS? Sweet Jesus, why can't she do that all of the time?

Anyways, small blessings and all that.

Oh, and I got out a great book on embroidery to guide me in my refurbishing of all of my ancient, stained clothes - because why buy new when Olive will just grind her smut covered jowels all over it, causing me to cry? So, embroidery and applique, here I come.

The Tank

2007-03-01T09:34:00.000-08:00

Olive's new name is "Tank". Or "Bucket o' Lead". Or "Fatty McFat Fat". My child is currently growing at such a rate that I can eat whatever I want (nachos, pizza, brownies, Green & Black's chocolate, litres of cream) and she just sucks it out of me. During her epic nighttime feeds. Last night broke new records. I am fairly certain that she nursed for 89% of the night. Which is possibly why my neck feels broken and my eyelids feel like that episode of the Flintstones when Fred propped his eyes open with toothpicks. It's true.

And the CBC is talking about how my generation is financially up s*!t creek without a paddle.

Ya, tell me about it. Hmmm, between Doug and I we have 14 years of university and 1 or 2 of college and collectively we cannot afford to purchase a home. Except in Saskatchewan. Where we can't get jobs. And the mosquitos are bigger than my eye.

Sweet.

My mum and aunt are coming tomorrow. I can't wait. I have visions of accomplishing things (boring things, like cleaning the car and washing the floors - it has been SO long) while they entertain Olive. What will probably happen is I'll get nothing done because Olive will cling to me like a baby monkey. But on the positive side I can sit on my mum's lap and let her cuddle me like I'm the baby. And we'll play cards.

This picture makes me laugh every time! She was in a post-dinner, pre-bedtime mood that perfectly reflects how I feel most of the time.

Hearts of gold

2007-02-26T21:40:00.000-08:00

When I'm having a hard time, like these days, when Olive is waking up every 45 minutes or so, when she is inconsolable if anything other than the boob is offered, when she whines and clings to my neck, when I am so sleep deprived that I feel wrapped in fuzz, slow, exhausted, short tempered and overwhelmed. When I don't know why she's acting like this because how could teething be that bad when there are no teeth? And oh God, is it going to be like this for the next two years until she gets her molars? And is it going to be even worse when she starts crawling? When I wonder if I will ever sleep 5 hours in a row again. When I wonder what it would be like to read a book before bed, then go to sleep and not wake up until the NEXT DAY. When all of these things are happening, I just have to drink 3 cups of coffee in a row and look at these sweet girls. Girls who love their mamas. Girls who love their mamas milk. Girls who love to snuggle their mamas all night long. Ah, these girls - they're going to be the most amazing Nobel prize winning scientists who find the cure forHIV/AIDS and global climate change, who are also very talented painters/actors/dancers/mimes who've also won Olympic medals while leading rich family lives with kind and loving long term partners and happy children. Or they'll be strippers. With hearts of gold.

The bald cutie is Etta Mae, my best friend's daughter, and Olive's best friend by association. Or so I say.

All about yarn

2007-02-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

I got to order my Handmaiden yarn for my latest projects, yippee!

First, a skein of 4-ply Cashmere in Autumn to make a hat for someone special.

Second, two skeins of Grande Godiva in Origin to make myself a moebius scarf so that my scarf tails don't get inbetween me and the babe when we're out walking in the winter.

Third, a Cashmere Pullover in a custom colour (a takeoff on the Peridot colourway) for me as a reward for being such a great mum and nursing all night long every night.

I've banned myself from going to my favourite local yarn store because they wouldn't let me exchange the Turbo needles I bought for my moebius scarf, which I'd originally planned to knit out of Noro Silk Garden. I bought 3 balls in colour 203, along with the needles in the correct gauge. Then I realized that the project would really look better in the Handmaiden Grande Godiva and went to switch the needles for a bigger gauge, at which point I was told no, sorry, but you could be lying and trying to cheat us by having already used the needles. So basically needles are like underwear in their world. And I, a yarn junkie, will never go into their store again even though it hurts me. I am an honest person. I would never cheat a small local business. (A multi-national evil empire, well that's another story. Although I don't think that yarn and big profits go hand in hand).

On a side note, I am dying to knit either the Lizard Ridge Afghan from Knitty or this exquisite Domino Blanket, both Noro Kureyon, both totally out of my price league.

My little muffin was very attached to mummy today. I guess that's what you get when you attachment parent, right?

Comme ci, comme ca

2007-02-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

On the minus:

Olive woke up so many times last night that my boobs were empty skin sacks and my mouth was a parched desert.

One of the times she was awake she decided to pull my hair and kick me in the back like I was a pony she was riding, then to roll over, jam her arm in a crevice and cry. Repeat until mummy either a) loses her mind, or b) lets you gnaw on her skin sack until you pass out.

I'm tired, flabby, hungry, self-indulgent, unmotivated and pimply.

Pre-Olive I read at least a book a week, most often award-winning fiction and non-fiction, as well as all of the Saturday Globe and Mail. Now I read the Style and Review sections, the occasional bit of a baby book and US magazine. Oh yeah, and blogs. I can't handle anything about global climate change, the war, Afganistan, the political right, religious zealotry, child rape, child labour, child soldiers or child abuse. Which seems to be the bulk of the news these days. The world is fucked. And I brought a baby into it. It makes me want to run away to a small commune where people actually care about the planet and each other. So message to everyone else on the planet - SHAPE UP.

On the plus:

Etta found Olive's belly button.

Olive slumped over blowing zerberts on her highchair.

Olive chewing her first ever piece of toast (picture a cow chewing cud).

Olive wrapping her arms around my neck and 'kissing' my shoulder when I carry her.

Olive's 'my teeth are killing me' face. It's really cute.

Eating chocolate and watching Survivor and American Idol consecutively while knitting cashmere. Is that dirty?

I'm amending my earlier post - Olive isn't a crappy sleeper. She's a great sleeper. I'm just crappy at teaching her to sleep any other way than on my boob because I'm TIRED people, and when you're as tired as I am, you are not going to spend an hour multiple times a night trying to get your daughter, who is screaming like you're piercing her eyeballs with pins, to fall asleep some other way, when she'll go right back to sleep as soon as you put your boob in her mouth. So, for the record, it's not Olive, it's me.

Shhhh... don't wake the baby

2007-02-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

Olive is not a sleeper.

From the beginning she didn't nap well unless she was on me or Doug. And from about 10 weeks on she has been waking frequently at night to nurse. She does not like the crib. She does not like rocking, shushing, cuddling or vibrating. She likes nursing and sleeping in contact with her mum and dad. I think that there was a brief moment in time when she had amazing naps and only woke up twice a night, but it was so long ago that I now question if it was in fact just a dream.

When Olive hit 6 months old I stopped fighting it. I cancelled my holds on sleep training books at the library, I put away the sleep logs, I tuned out the messages to let her cry it out. I let go of the myths, the pressure, the "shoulds". We brought her into bed with us full-time, with no plans to get her out. And since then she has been so much happier. And I don't feel as tired. And she's been napping for two hours in a row with no nursing back to sleep after half an hour (!). And she's been sleeping two or three hours at the beginning of the night, before she starts her waking every 1.5 hour stint.

And I've been knocking on wood.

Now it would appear she's regressing back to her old ways. Her "I need mummy all of the time" ways. And I think I'm okay. Because this is such a short time. And this is who she is.

So here's hoping for some sleep, and lots of peace.

Rebecca

2007-02-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

Today Olive and I went to the celebration of my friend Rebecca's life. She died two weeks ago at the age of 38.

Rebecca was awesome - earthy, funny, positive, sassy, spiritual, artistically gifted, and a fabulous mum to boot. She was a true individual in every sense of the word, in a world where people seem to becoming more and more generic by the day. She was strong in herself and her beliefs.

The first time that I ever felt a baby kick was when Rebecca was pregnant with her last son - I remember watching him roil about beneath the surface of her skin, and asking if I could touch her belly. I was shocked by the vivid action of his little body turning and at how serene she looked as he twisted and turned. Throughout her pregnancy I pestered her almost daily with questions about motherhood, babies and birth. I was longing for my own baby, and when my baby finally came, so did news that Rebecca had cancer. I thought that she would live - how could she not? She was so positive, fit, open-minded, mellow, and young.

And what is the message? To embrace this life. To stop when I start to get wrapped up in little problems, in minor complaints, in expectations and grievances. I look at my Olive and I think, I want to give you the gift of a positive family. This is all there is - a family and time together. Life isn't about possessions, it is about experiences and relationships. I've always known this but sometimes I lose myself in the consumer culture, in doubt - especially now that I spend time with other women based on our mutual ability to reproduce more than actual connections.

A woman I admire told me "Kristy, babies are nine months in you, and nine months on you. Trust your gut and build your own village." Part of my village is gone now - but many, many of the women I love and admire are left. It's time to buck up, to reconnect, to revel in babyhood and to cherish our lives.

I will stop listening to others who judge, who don't understand, who believe in different things.

I will trust my instincts.

I will remember.

Firsts are a'flyin'

2007-02-15T18:36:00.000-08:00

Olive flipped over in her sleep last night, leading to her first ever tummy sleep. I'd been told that she might sleep better (a.k.a. longer) like that, but alas, she stuck to her 1.5 hour routine. Now the fear of night crawling sets in. Oi, we're going to have to decide what we're going to do about her sleeping without us at the start of the night.

We took our first trip to the swimming pool today along with Jana and Etta. The girls were goggle eyed when they saw all of the kids! and the grown ups! and the water! and the noise! There was some initial trepidation, but the whole adventure ended with the two of them standing on a little ledge splashing water and squealing as they watched people go by in the "river". Overall, I'd say it was a hit. If only we could have snapped a photo!

Her poops are now insanely stinky. I actually thought that the smell of manure wafting into the car earlier was the scent of her poopy bum, but no, it was just spring. They are so profoundly yucky that Doug was lobbying to just toss a brand new sleeper that managed to get covered in a thick spackle of poop on the weekend, but I put down my foot. Guess who ended up cleaning it up 3 days later when it was discovered at the bottom of the laundry basket?

I wouldn't give it up for ANYTHING.

Two things at once

2007-02-14T15:43:00.000-08:00

We walked to our stroller fitness class today in spite of the rain, and once again I misjudged the weather. We ended up getting home soaked, freezing and tired - but Olive was magically happy once we were inside, and we spent some time exploring the wonders of a lid (a lid! it's so chewy!) inbetween bites of lunch (only cold foods these days to soothe those sore gums).

Then we laid in bed and nursed and played her new favourite game. Olive covers her face with her Northern Lights blanket and looks at the light shining through while wiggling her hands and hyperventilating. Then she pulls down the blanket and looks over at me with a giant grin of delight on her face. Then she nurses. Then we start all over again.

This fascination with points of light makes me think that maybe she'll be an astronomer. Or maybe she'll just really love laying in the dark and looking up at the stars.

I'm kind of torn on the whole Valentine's Day front - one part of me thinks it's a crock of poo pseudo-holiday designed by card companies to make money, and the other part of me thinks about how fun it was as a kid to make cookies and Valentines and to tell people how much you loved them.

So today, I am thankful for my thoughtful, loving, smartass, selfless husband who always supports and loves me. And for our beautiful little monkey, who amazes us more everyday as she continues to blossom.